Vulnerability.

“Susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm,” that’s how the dictionary explains the word, ‘vulnerable’. I know that personally, for a very long time, that word left an extremely bitter taste in my mouth. I wanted nothing to do with it. My mind told me that there was definitely something wrong with lowering your guards and being open. That’s what it is… exposing yourself in any type of way, leaving yourself open to some sort of harm. 

When I was growing up, I’m not sure why I did this, but I told myself that if I let someone see me cry or show any sort of intense emotion, that I was weak. I thought it was because I couldn’t control myself when in fact ‘controlling’ myself was what I felt most proud of. If I couldn’t hold back, then I couldn’t do anything. In a weird sort of bizarre way, it gave me so much satisfaction when I successfully hid my feelings from others. Where did this reasoning come from? To be honest with you, I don’t know... I’m not sure why the idea of being vulnerable intimidated me so badly. 

Somehow I let my fear control me for so long that I’m only just now getting used to the idea of being open with people, and I still have a lot of adjusting to do when it comes to this. I think a big part of exposing yourself emotionally comes with an insane amount of chemistry, and trust that I have to feel first. There was a point where I was trying to improve myself, but I thought that meant being open to everyone and trusting people that gave me no reason to trust them. It was a weird time for me, and I wish that I could take a lot of it back… but I can’t, and I’ve come to the place where that fact simply has to be good enough. 

These days, however, I’ve managed to open myself up to a select group of pretty fantastic humans, and that’s a really big improvement for me. Like I said, it has a lot to do with trusting someone, but I think it heavily relies on me trusting in myself. Trusting that I’ll be okay, and will potentially benefit greatly from being vulnerable to the right people. 

It’s important to trust in your own decision to get help. It takes a lot of courage, and you have to be brave, but once you get there… it’s an amazing sense of relief, and it gives you hope that you’ll be okay. As we keep growing and changing with the life that we gain, we have to be real about where we stand in our own heart. I want to be meaningful enough to allow myself to feel everything, and to be real, because that shouldn’t be considered as a bad thing.

So I’ll end with this thought… if someone judges you for opening up, then at least that tells you where you stand to them. If you thought you could trust them but they don’t seem to care, then remember that for next time. Remember that you don’t deserve someone who doesn’t care.

Don’t let whatever attention they give to you define your worth.